Every time I go to the psychiatrist he asks, gently mind you, “Danielle, how would you feel about reducing your medication?” My response is always “No, I’m not reducing anything.”
I’ve been taking the same load of drugs for the past two years. Since I woke up in ICU, pretty much. It’s been so long it almost feels like 10 years. That was when Cody was still a law school student and I was exhausted.
Bronwen’s class went on a field trip to a veterinary hospital not long ago. They explained how the insert a breathing tube “so that the animal can sleep.”
She told me later that I had one of those tubes in while I took a long nap. Talk about heart breaking.
I think that’s why I’m afraid of less drugs. I’m holding on to my sanity (sometimes just barely) with this amount of drug. Who’s to say if I will or won’t attempt suicide again if there is a decrease?
I try to explain this to John but he keeps saying that I shouldn’t need stuff like Gabapentin anymore because I’m off Tylenol which was causing headaches. But, like Seroquel, it is a sedating drug that keeps the world smoother rather than rough.
It’s a prescribed version of codeine (minus the high). I’m told that’s why people like me go to alcohol or other depressants. They are a warm hug in a cold life.
I love hugs. I love closeness. Probably because I spent so much time alone.